mmmm.

"Why be needy and possessive? The world is big enough to contain everything -- you don't have to grip things so tightly. If it's meant to be with you, it will stick around. If not, it's all for the best."

lovehoroscope.

christmass

so christmas was good, got this laptop i am using as we speak....or type lol.
Its pretty dope, got some clothes, and a bag, and random shit.
Its crazy christmas came & went. everything wass good alll day. Until..... the fight with kevin.
Its been the same like the last three weeks. We'll have like one good day, and then we just kinda stop talking how we used to, we get into a fight, i tell him im hurt,he begs for me to stay, yadda yadda yadda But yesterday i realized everytime i tell him it's okay & i wnat us to be good he thinks its okay for next time, or for anytime. & i want him to realize it's NOT OKAY. He's NOT giving me the attention i need, NOR deserve. Its crazy how the tables turn. At first he was the one catering to me, all taylor, your the best, and liking me like crazy, and i liked him but not as much as i do now. Now im the one catering to him, trying to be the best, but it just seems like he doesnt care.
i guesss this is really true

"We ignore the ones who adore us;adore the ones who ignore us;Love the ones who hurt us;and hurt the ones that love us"

i guess i always knew that.
im just dumb, i let myself fall way too deep, like always, and now it's not gonna be like before.
I told him i was done.
he said please taylor."ill make a day for us"
a day? thats just not enough for me.
& im not usually the attention type of girlfriend in fact i usually HATE attention, thats usually the reason why it ends, cuz i feel smothered. but in this case i dont even know.
& he asked so "are you breaking up with me"
& i told him "i think so"
i cried last nite :[
it sucks im not that type of girl and i refuse to be sad over him.
4 more days until a new year.
Maybe god does things for a reason.
New year; New start.
maybe it'll be something so good for me.
i was talking to jessie.... me and kevin talked for about 6 months.
I told her it was over half the year wasted on kevin.
She said it wasnt wasted, cuz at the time i was happy. i guess she's right. i was so happy.
you made my life amazing kevin, i know you cant see this, but ill always know how you kept me from being down, all the days and nights we talked. the beggining was so good. actually the whole thing was amzing, we had our ups & downs. but i really truly am thankful for you coming into my life, youll always have a piece of my heart, but whats best for us is to stop this fighting, move on with our lives.
i guess your another....chapter in my life.
kevin schellenger. forever & always..ill never forget.
goodbye.

christmas eve.

It doesn't feel how it usually does during Christmas time. I feel like thats how the rest of my life is going to be.It's the age i guess. Things just aren't as "jolly" & "good" as they once were, not that things are bad.I didn't really ask for anything, so it'll be a surprise, i guess that's pretty cool.

It's kinda crazy that it's going to be 2010.

this year WAS amazing though.

From fucked up nights i dont remember, with friends ill probably soon forget.

Other unforgettable friends, all the crazy nights, the raving, the heartbreaks, the boys, laughter tears, im just happy to be alive. & im ready for what the new year has to offer.

Neeed to think of New Years Resolutions.

You..... i dont know. When i was going to write this blog, i was at first going to say i dont know how much more of MY bullshit YOU'LL take. But towards the end of the day when i sit down and finally gonna write, i realize i dont know how much I can handle of YOURS. =/

I just feel like i deserve MORE attention. Theirs day's you just show me that i'm not all that inportant in your life, the days you neglect me. You make me feel so lonely & vulnerable sometimes. I think thats what gets me to fight with you. Maybe im hoping you just wanna end it with me so i can't blame myself if i just end it for you. Cuz' regardless of the outcome, i will regret it. I just fail at relationships. I just wanna show you so much, theirs the days you make me the happiest girls, and others the saddest.

"got people steady asking how you go to sleep mad one day, the next wake up so happy; well love works like magic and it's so true my mind cant grasp it."

i guess we'll see what happens.

i just know youll always think of HER.

Christmas is tomorrow.

TAO is in 7 days.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

♥ gone.

oldhabitsdiehard.

getdrunk.

“ One should always be drunk. That’s the one thing that matters. In order not to feel the horrible burden of Time, which breaks your shoulders and crushes you to the ground, one should be drunk without ceasing. But on what? On wine, on poetry, or on virtue, as suits you. But get drunk….
— Baudelaire

indeed

nuffsaid.

keepingupwithtaylor.

so havent been writing, basically just going to update the last few things i've gone through or done.

well, kevin. the last time i wrote i said i feel used, all that.Well we talked everything out and longggggg talks, about everything with us. I told him i was done, leave me alone, i never wanna speak to him again; but he ended up persuading me to give him one more chance. He said he wants me not her, he'll do anything to prove it, all this.

i guess you just have to know our relationship to know that he is telling the truth.i DO believe he wants me, he tries very hard everyday to keeep our relationship strong. & thats why i like him so much its a 50/50 relationship, and we both put in a whole lot of effort. He really is something i've looked for in a guy, he's amazing. Sometimes i doubt him, and i doubt my feelings towards him, but it's like everywhere i go now i mention him at least once, im always talking to him, and if not.. thinking about him. As of now, things are good, really good, and i plan to keep them that way.We've had our ups and downs, but ive noticed having him around makes me happy all the time, he makes me a better person. I can't even go back & remember days without him.♥

so winterfresssssssssh.Very dope. Nuff said[=

This weekend.

Friday: illumiNOT. Tried going to this five dollar rave, it got shut down so went to san pedro and went to a hooodddd ass party with my bitch barb & karen & nach. ahaha

Saturday: Nights into dreams. First rave in palmdale, and an actual one. At first it was wack then lowkey i felt like i was at a rave in san bernadino ahah. it was fun.

& things just arent the same.

fuckin played

december 6th, 2009. i feel totally, used, played, misguided, mislead,useless,taken advantage of, hurt, in disbelief.
& the list goes on.
To having put your trust into SOMEONE SOOOO MUCH, and have it SHOVED in your face, is the worst feeling i've ever felt in my life.

i've liked boys, yadda yaddda yaaddda.
but honestly this time was serious, he MEANT something to me.
i felt like it was WAY more than ANY guy ive talked to before.
i wont even get into deatails of what "he" did, cuz i already know, and this day ill never forget, and im really fuckin hurt, cuz i didnt want it to end yet, it was just getting started, but now it will never be the same, and trust me i can NEVER talk to him ever again, it's over done.
& i feel fucking H O P E L E S S .
once again.
i was not fucking made for ANYONE.
i'm so fuckin better by myself.
i dont want your bullshit, fuck love, lust, like, whatever the fuck you wanna call it.
FUCK IT IM DONE