mmmm.

"Why be needy and possessive? The world is big enough to contain everything -- you don't have to grip things so tightly. If it's meant to be with you, it will stick around. If not, it's all for the best."

lovehoroscope.

christmass

so christmas was good, got this laptop i am using as we speak....or type lol.
Its pretty dope, got some clothes, and a bag, and random shit.
Its crazy christmas came & went. everything wass good alll day. Until..... the fight with kevin.
Its been the same like the last three weeks. We'll have like one good day, and then we just kinda stop talking how we used to, we get into a fight, i tell him im hurt,he begs for me to stay, yadda yadda yadda But yesterday i realized everytime i tell him it's okay & i wnat us to be good he thinks its okay for next time, or for anytime. & i want him to realize it's NOT OKAY. He's NOT giving me the attention i need, NOR deserve. Its crazy how the tables turn. At first he was the one catering to me, all taylor, your the best, and liking me like crazy, and i liked him but not as much as i do now. Now im the one catering to him, trying to be the best, but it just seems like he doesnt care.
i guesss this is really true

"We ignore the ones who adore us;adore the ones who ignore us;Love the ones who hurt us;and hurt the ones that love us"

i guess i always knew that.
im just dumb, i let myself fall way too deep, like always, and now it's not gonna be like before.
I told him i was done.
he said please taylor."ill make a day for us"
a day? thats just not enough for me.
& im not usually the attention type of girlfriend in fact i usually HATE attention, thats usually the reason why it ends, cuz i feel smothered. but in this case i dont even know.
& he asked so "are you breaking up with me"
& i told him "i think so"
i cried last nite :[
it sucks im not that type of girl and i refuse to be sad over him.
4 more days until a new year.
Maybe god does things for a reason.
New year; New start.
maybe it'll be something so good for me.
i was talking to jessie.... me and kevin talked for about 6 months.
I told her it was over half the year wasted on kevin.
She said it wasnt wasted, cuz at the time i was happy. i guess she's right. i was so happy.
you made my life amazing kevin, i know you cant see this, but ill always know how you kept me from being down, all the days and nights we talked. the beggining was so good. actually the whole thing was amzing, we had our ups & downs. but i really truly am thankful for you coming into my life, youll always have a piece of my heart, but whats best for us is to stop this fighting, move on with our lives.
i guess your another....chapter in my life.
kevin schellenger. forever & always..ill never forget.
goodbye.

christmas eve.

It doesn't feel how it usually does during Christmas time. I feel like thats how the rest of my life is going to be.It's the age i guess. Things just aren't as "jolly" & "good" as they once were, not that things are bad.I didn't really ask for anything, so it'll be a surprise, i guess that's pretty cool.

It's kinda crazy that it's going to be 2010.

this year WAS amazing though.

From fucked up nights i dont remember, with friends ill probably soon forget.

Other unforgettable friends, all the crazy nights, the raving, the heartbreaks, the boys, laughter tears, im just happy to be alive. & im ready for what the new year has to offer.

Neeed to think of New Years Resolutions.

You..... i dont know. When i was going to write this blog, i was at first going to say i dont know how much more of MY bullshit YOU'LL take. But towards the end of the day when i sit down and finally gonna write, i realize i dont know how much I can handle of YOURS. =/

I just feel like i deserve MORE attention. Theirs day's you just show me that i'm not all that inportant in your life, the days you neglect me. You make me feel so lonely & vulnerable sometimes. I think thats what gets me to fight with you. Maybe im hoping you just wanna end it with me so i can't blame myself if i just end it for you. Cuz' regardless of the outcome, i will regret it. I just fail at relationships. I just wanna show you so much, theirs the days you make me the happiest girls, and others the saddest.

"got people steady asking how you go to sleep mad one day, the next wake up so happy; well love works like magic and it's so true my mind cant grasp it."

i guess we'll see what happens.

i just know youll always think of HER.

Christmas is tomorrow.

TAO is in 7 days.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

♥ gone.

oldhabitsdiehard.

getdrunk.

“ One should always be drunk. That’s the one thing that matters. In order not to feel the horrible burden of Time, which breaks your shoulders and crushes you to the ground, one should be drunk without ceasing. But on what? On wine, on poetry, or on virtue, as suits you. But get drunk….
— Baudelaire

indeed

nuffsaid.

keepingupwithtaylor.

so havent been writing, basically just going to update the last few things i've gone through or done.

well, kevin. the last time i wrote i said i feel used, all that.Well we talked everything out and longggggg talks, about everything with us. I told him i was done, leave me alone, i never wanna speak to him again; but he ended up persuading me to give him one more chance. He said he wants me not her, he'll do anything to prove it, all this.

i guess you just have to know our relationship to know that he is telling the truth.i DO believe he wants me, he tries very hard everyday to keeep our relationship strong. & thats why i like him so much its a 50/50 relationship, and we both put in a whole lot of effort. He really is something i've looked for in a guy, he's amazing. Sometimes i doubt him, and i doubt my feelings towards him, but it's like everywhere i go now i mention him at least once, im always talking to him, and if not.. thinking about him. As of now, things are good, really good, and i plan to keep them that way.We've had our ups and downs, but ive noticed having him around makes me happy all the time, he makes me a better person. I can't even go back & remember days without him.♥

so winterfresssssssssh.Very dope. Nuff said[=

This weekend.

Friday: illumiNOT. Tried going to this five dollar rave, it got shut down so went to san pedro and went to a hooodddd ass party with my bitch barb & karen & nach. ahaha

Saturday: Nights into dreams. First rave in palmdale, and an actual one. At first it was wack then lowkey i felt like i was at a rave in san bernadino ahah. it was fun.

& things just arent the same.

fuckin played

december 6th, 2009. i feel totally, used, played, misguided, mislead,useless,taken advantage of, hurt, in disbelief.
& the list goes on.
To having put your trust into SOMEONE SOOOO MUCH, and have it SHOVED in your face, is the worst feeling i've ever felt in my life.

i've liked boys, yadda yaddda yaaddda.
but honestly this time was serious, he MEANT something to me.
i felt like it was WAY more than ANY guy ive talked to before.
i wont even get into deatails of what "he" did, cuz i already know, and this day ill never forget, and im really fuckin hurt, cuz i didnt want it to end yet, it was just getting started, but now it will never be the same, and trust me i can NEVER talk to him ever again, it's over done.
& i feel fucking H O P E L E S S .
once again.
i was not fucking made for ANYONE.
i'm so fuckin better by myself.
i dont want your bullshit, fuck love, lust, like, whatever the fuck you wanna call it.
FUCK IT IM DONE

idk

okay,so after all the MILLIONS of times, saying not to mention blogging about it.

As of right now...their is a you & me.

am i ready to show you to the world? ehh.=/

November twenty-ninth, two thousand and nine.

Some real heat has been growing between you and another person, but it might not be exactly the kind you were hoping for. Be open to all possibilities, because you still have a lot to gain from building this relationship. Being more flexible about your expectations is a good idea, because polarity in your life is going to force you to go back and forth between disparate tasks or people.

i dont know what to expect.

i want more.

i deserve more.

i deserve less.

the way i see it.

Man. Thanksgiving break.
It was deff. a break that i neeeded.
The week was fun, went out had my fun, got some sleeping in time, and now back to school.
The main thing i've been worrying about is my letter back from CSULA.
Im pretty sure when i do it will say denied. & its already gonna be past Nov, 30th; which means they'll be no more options to apply for a university.
I really have no backup plan and it really scares me.
I refuse to go to AVC, i just know im capable of more than that.
Thats the school for people who are gonna stay in Av forever.
Thats not what i have planned for my life.
Going to start applying for jobs, YET AGAIN.
Maybe ill have more of an opportunity because the seasonal.
Well, thats all for now.
bye.

dont.

i dont know what i want.
i dont know what i want.
i dont know what i want.

i dont know what i want.

i dont know what i want.

i dont know what i want.

i dont know what i want.

i dont know what i want.

i dont know what i want.

............

waiting, waiting, waiting.

♥

man oh man.

i say it over and over again.

that i should stop that.

:[.

i really need to do what i say i'm going to do.

Not just say it.

This time im serious, at least for a little bit.

Its coming to an end, time to get serious, focus on the important things in life, and get my priorities in check.

Him, we're good.

real good, i think the best we've been.

But theirs still that little insecurity in my head telling me he'll leave me for her.
i wouldn't be surprised if they still talk.

i know i shouldnt be nosy, but they both still have eachother on their tops.

he still has the thing on his page.

wouldnt you think when you get over someone you completely forget about them.

why would you keeep them around if all it did was cause you pain.

i think people like pain, people crave it.

We're so accustomed to the same rutine.

Boy meets girl.

Girl meets boy.

The whole phase were your talking.

Then you expect something BAD to happen.

& if it doesnt, your surprised, and your insecure so you push the person away, because they didnt push you away first.

this "you" happens to be me.

to myself, i'm thbe BIGGEST HYPACRITE.

I say i dont wanna get hurt, this & that.

But then when their ready for me, im not ready for them.

back to the point,

i just know theirs something about her he likes, and theirs something about her ill never be.

My insecurties disgust me.

"Calls became frequent, we hang out on the weekend

Start to feelin` like, she`s the one I`ve been seekin

didn`t take it far, third base, at most.

Never seal the deal, but always came close.

I knew that if I hit it, I would have to stay commited

I was young, 21, man I just wasn`t with it.

Knew what was comin` and you can`t run from it.

Ain`t no feelings that strong between man and a woman.

She said she wanted more than a friendship,

But I wasn`t one in the bed,I said I wanted friends with benefits.

but I was only trying to pretend,I didn`t want you ,Realy want to make you mine.

I would never mislead you,But then, how I treat you.

But girl, you got to give me some time"

Murs is too dope♥;

november twelth

♥November 12th.

The "we" is no a seperate "you" & "i".

"We", are no longer a "we".

i made it clear to what i expected.

First, you tell me im what you want, then you're not sure if your over her and say we should and i quote,"wait till im 100 percetn over her or to see what happens that way if we try something i could give you 100 of my time and feelings".

what kind of bullshit?....what kind of girl do you think i am.

Their is someone out their who will give me 100% of their time RIGHT NOW. Not make me fucking wait for it, thats bullshit if thats what you want me to go through for you.

sorry, but thats not how i am.

yeah i act like i dont care, but thats not the case.

you were different than any guy i've met, besides the whole hurting me thing[that's not new].

But the way you cared.

I hope she give's you everything you ever asked for, i hope she treats you like your her only one. I hope she gives you the WORLD. Because obbviously im lacking somewhere in that department.

"im tired of giving it my all and getting nowhere"

you just couldn't have really thought i'd take that, wait for when your ready, and over her, and then just pick it right back up.

& to you, HAVE HIM, i know he'll treat you GREAT, even though from the looks of things

you can fucking care less.

People dont understand when they have a good thing right in front of them. & i hope what you remember in the end is how good i treated you, how i was always their, and most of all,

how you let me go.

cuz i wont forget.

you also put drugs in front of me, & dont have your shit together.

figure it out, this is your one and only life, drugs will be their forever.

but i dont know, who am i to say anything, afterall im nothing but another face.

♥

life, man. i just wanna make it.

this is obviously MY CONSTANT thought.

ehh tooooo much to think about, time to do homework.

Fuzzy fest pleasssseeee!!!

=]

♥

its funny how some people just say something and it changes the way you feel about them in an instant. Small little words that can hurt you so much or make you fall deeply in love. It changes everything; nothing between you is ever really the same again, even if they don't know it, it still happens.

Today, if you are aching for a slower pace in your life, you have to create it yourself. Instead of sending instant messages or emails to make your point, seek out a slower way of making things happen. Try for more face-to-face communications and say something very important to someone special. Let all your casual conversations meander down tangential paths. You could make a breakthrough connection with someone who intrigues you, if you listen hard enough.

not much to say, the weekend was good, lets have a good week.

bye.

it's like.

i don't know; you'll always be my bestfriend....

but we can't fight it, things ARENT the way they once were.

i wish thing's never changed, but it's life. But never did i think that we would change.

It's kinda crazy, and pretty sad. But it's like you don't even make the effort to make anything better so why would i.

[your not one to put things back together].

like i've said many times, i'll be here when you need me.

You just didn't realize your priorities and what mattered to you.

or maybe that's what tore us apart.

your priorities were different than i thought.

But let me make ONE THING CLEAR; They will never replace your friendship, what you've given and brought to my life. You know "bestfriend" is your one[ best]friend. you dont just hand that word out like candy.

people earn that name. You will always be my other half.

hey boy

Hey boy, when we first met on the 31st and it was Halloweeen you know what i mean.
♥

awh, today is the day, hallloweeeen, Monster massive.I love halloween. Everyone dresses up, it's like we're all little kids again.We can be whatever we want, wear whatever we want, its just so fun.Maybe thats why i like raves so much.Because its like everyday's halloween, people reguraly dress in costumes, and wear what they want, act how they want, its the world you go to, to escape the "real world" have fun for a bit, relax.This month didn't really feel halloweenish, i wonder if it's cuz the older we get the less spirited we are. Things were so different when you were little, time went by so slow.The years took foorrrrevver to pass, and now it feels like i was counting down yesterday

10, 9, 8 , 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 happy new years.

this year, so far, just two more months to go, but it was amazing. More than i could have asked for.i really do have it good, cant complain much, and that will be my new years resolution, no regrets, just live life, and never complain, okay maybe not NEVER, but dont sweat the small stuff.Lifes good, and im so happy to be apart of what ive been apart of.

when im old and wrinkly[ if i make it that long, fingers crosses]ill look back and remember everything and just laugh.I wont know all my old friends anymore, i'll wonder what they did with their life, if they made it, if they passed away, if they have kids, what they did with their life, and im sure some will wonder about me.but ill always remember my wondeful childhood, all the dumb mistakes i made, the dumb boys i chose, all the missions, the things my parents wouldnt approve of, the crazy shit we talked about, experienced, and saw.ill remember,and i hope they all will too.

one more year and im finally "an adult" on my own, and i hope i accomplish alot in my time, i hope to go far, and never give up, my dreams are so big, but i want this so bad.& if me and you arent friends anymore, which lets face the truth, we probably wont be.ill never forget the laughs, dumb jokes, stupid fucked up nights, the fights, the boys, everything.

illl remember how we felt the same, we could read eachother's minds, you had my back i had yours,and that at one point you were the only thing that helped me through the days, i hope you can sit back and say the same.

If we dont talk, i hope you remember all the times you thought i was being mean, and realize it was me trying to help you, trying to make you into the person i know you want to become, and i hope you get everything you need in the future.until then.

lifes good.

yeah

yea, i've noticed....

everything's about you & "your boys" these days.

hahahahahaha.

future tatoo.

QUOTE ME

i could care less.

goodbye.

i havent

been writing lately.

so let me tell you about my weekend.

Or friday i guess, because that's the only day i went out.Went to the hall. It was pretty fun. [=.

Hopefully theirs more.

I can't believe monster massive is next saturday.

My costume came, raggady anne, i love it. Good thing i looked forever for it.

Wow, this month went by so fast, this YEAR went by so fast.

The closer i come to the end of the year scares me more and more.

I just wanna do something with my life, i want to go to college, and make a career, i wanna be successful, and getting closer and closer to the real world scares the hell outta me.

Im scared i wont make it.

I know it takes alot, but i dont know if a college would accept me, and if id be able to support myself, money, needs and all that.

I dream of being in a city one day.

Even l.a would be great. i just wanna have all my shit together, and i wanna do something

i hope one day to walk in the city , and say i made it.

dreams dreams dreams, ughh.

When your little they dont really prepare you for life.

Its kinda crazy how it works.

Its like 0-18 thats the easy part 18-100 your on you own, you make it or you dont.

people die, people drop out, do drugs, and some are successful.

and you, you've been going a little overboard lately

I care for you so much, DUH your my bestfriend.

and i know you'll read this.

But it's like this is the time in our life to have our priorities in check.

To know what we're doing, and its like the closer it comes the less you care.

I just dont want you falling behind, because i wanna make it,and id enjoy it alot more if i made it with you.

to tell the whole world WE did it.

We'll prove em wrong.

just think about what you want for your future.

cuz it scares me everyday.

i think.

so, this morning i was thinking.

What if you could restart your whole life, and do everything over.

I wonder which path you'd choose, who'd be your friends, what mistakes you'd make.

It made me start to think alot.

What if i had done something differently, could my whole life be changed

I feel like i did the things in my life and made it up to how it's supposed to be.

It's weird even thinking if i had different friends in life, if i didnt have ashley.

I think god place's you where he think's will make you succeeed in life.

I feel different than alot of kids in my school.

Drugs to them are like OHMYGOD.

& just things that dont surprise me shock them.

I've seeen SO MANY things their is to see.

i UNDERSTAND the world, and how people can be different.

it makes me a better communicater, and more understandable, cause i know where your coming from.i feel like he made me this way, brought me to the people i know, so i could already have that in my brain before i get into "the real world"

i dont know if this makes sense.

it sounded alot better in my head.

But i'm just thankful for what i know, and what i've been through.

today was cowboy & indian day.

it was pretty cool

i dressed as an indian.

=]

toodlesss.

it seemsss.

" when you're alone, it seem's like the WHOLE WORLD'S in love."
it really does.
i just wanna run away for a bit.
go somewhere totally new, a new world for me.meet new people, discover new things.
Man, i can't wait to get out of this town.
But the closer & closer it comes, the more is scares the crap out of me.
I feel like i can't do it. I have so many dreams. I have so many thing's i hope to accomplish in my life.I feel like it's impossible.: [

"i feel like if you want something so much, it mean's you'll never get
it"

i dont knwo maybe im on that

imonmyperiod,everythingseemstobegoingwrong

But it make's me sad.

& then with the whole boy thing that i was talking about.

I feel like theirs no one out their for me.

is their?

blah... i dont wanna get all emotional.

might as well leave before i keep going

bye.

redlight.

...So i haven't updated lately.

But let me tell you about my weekend.

Friday: Crystal Catchup; came down to the dale.

Ashley, Crystal, Jessica, and i planned to go out to dinner, switch things up.

David & phil came along with.

But we went to Chili's it was bomb.

We're gonna do it more often.

Then, went to a kickback.It was whatever. Nothin' special.

Saturday: Waking up with ashley & crystal. We got ready.

Ashley had to go to the mall to do some winter shopping.

It was cool.

Sunday: Went over to ashleys. Her brother smoke's us out & we watch the movie "obsessed" & "teenage dirtbag"

-teenage dirtbag was based on some true events.

& it was about this girl in highschool.

She's a cheerleader, and hangs out with "the cool kids"

So, she's destined to act that way.

Theirs a boy names Thayer and he trys to impress her but she didn't find it amuzing

so he begins to hate her.

Then they had study hall together.

& they would talk everyday about everything but just in that class.

She got to learn about him.

They were both the same and i think they both liked eachother.

Until one day he disapeared.

One day he told her he wanted to have a fake death.

So when she's older she's left to find out if he is really dead or he faked it.

Either way she'll never forget him.

I liked the movviiee alot.

♥

wow i sound like im in english class writing a summery or something.

haha.

Monday:Ashley & me met Maria at the mall.

Went to Red robbins, went job hunting, turned in some apps.

So overall it was good.

& now it's wednesday

meaning.

17 more days till monster massssssssive.

[=

goodbye

you.

i dont know. we tell eachother everything. Your a really good friend. But i still feel more.

I hate how i send you signals all the time, and what i get in return, not what i wanted.

I do want you, i will not lie, even if you're not the cutest to my friends.

Your a real sensitive guy, and you just understand me, and i can act completely stupid.

but........................

=/

maybee

Horoscope:

Overview
Stepping outside of your comfort zone is by definition uncomfortable. But isn't it usually incredibly rewarding, too? You're in a strong phase of risk-taking and you are a brave person, so this combination means that right now you are in a prime position to make a huge leap in your life. Whether it's changing your job, moving to a new city, or starting a new relationship, you are ready to explore living your life in a new way. Talk to those who have done it before and get some tips.

Now is a great time to teach yourself the lesson of letting go. You should do your best to avoid the temptation to hold on too tightly to people -- it's not so bad now and then, but you have to release them at some point.

hmm. i was just thinking if i should tell him i still have a little bit of feelings for him and how great i think he is.Until......i read this. & its absolutley right. i just can't help but wonder if he ever cares, if i ever meant anything to him, or if it was just a fling.

It's crazy how fast we ended. But He's a good guy. & i'll never forget him.

But i need to not" hold on too tightly to people" maybe i just didnt wanna let him go.. let us go.

But truth is, it's been let go, he let go.

I hate that im always the last one with feelings. I just feel like ill never be in a situation were i actually like a guy they like me back and we have a real relationship.

Truth is ive never had a "real boyfriend".

Like anyone i've dated hasnt been anything long enough to count for me.

Maybe, for once i just want someone.

Or maybe i'm just thinking too much.

"She likened it to a childhood crush, such strong almost obsessive feelings, but more, it had depth. She felt attracted to everything about him, the way he talked, the way he dressed, the words he used, his apparent innocence. Yet he was filled with a deep knowledge of wise insights. He always said the right things, even when she didn’t want to hear them. The darkness lifted and she could suddenly see beyond. When he breezed into the room, he brought clarity and brightness with him. He was walking hope and she could tell that things for her be… not fantastic or wonderful or happily ever after, but that they could be okay. And that was enough. "
— Cecelia Ahern, If You Could See Me Now

"Don't attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you're lonely.

Loneliness is the human condition.

No one is ever going to fill that space.

the best you can do is know yourself, know what you want."

-white oleander.

♥

life.

I love them.

real people, thats what they are.

& im thankful for them.

Even though i barellly met jerome, i can tell he's dope as fuck.

& ash.... you already know.♥

<3

Generally, by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.
Margery Williams Bianco // The Velveteen Rabbit

i love this quote.

Weekly Horoscope;

So true.

Something utterly unexpected throws everything upside-down in your domestic realm on Monday: dishes are rolling every which way, the cat is in shock. Or maybe it's not as calamitous as all that -- but something big and rattling does happen. On Tuesday, it's natural that you want to take it easy, but you're not in a lazy mood, as your brain is on overdrive. Plus, romance is in the air. Wednesday has a storybook quality to it, but the practicalities of Thursday and Friday snap you out of that. The end of the week is a great time to start something, and the weekend is an ideal time to fall in love.

♥

October First.

Today, Andres Chunga's Funeral.

Wow, seeing someone i once laughed with, someone i once hugged, someone i once texted, someone i cared about lying their dead.

Something i can't explain. I can't believe it.

It was good closure, i needed it to put me to rest.

He's gone. For good, now all we can do is accept it.

Einar gave a speech that had me in tears.

He said he had a weird feeling about it.

& for some reason andres & stephen & rj & all of them we're talking about funerals and that Andres himself said he wanted a party. The day before it happened.

Einar said he didn't know for some reason he just wanted to chill with them on friday. They didnt go out they juct chilled together. he said he didnt say much just sat back"& watched them like a slow movie, like as if he was watching their last day together" and it was his last day.

He said he knows andres is...happy.

No matter what i love you andres. You were so loved by many. Your videos were countless & so funny. you were once of a kind & will never be forgotten.♥

The end.

friends; it seems as if i have NONE.

i have no one to fall back on.

We're growing apart as the day's go by.

You never tell me stuff anymore, you spend your days trying to get closer with other people, making sure your friendship with them is good.

It's like the more fights we have the least our friendship becomes.

Maybe throughout highschool your supposed to lose all your friends?

idunno. but i know one thing.

YOU CAN ONLY DEPEND ON YOURSELF.

& thats a fact.

OMG

YOUR DRIVING ME INSANE.

YOUR DEFFINATLEY NOT THE PERSON I ONCE KNEW.

EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS, I'M GOING THROUGH MOST OF THE SAME EXACT SHIT YOUR GOING THROUGH.

YOU MAY NOT NOTICE BUT ME BEING THE FUCKING CLOSEST PERSON TO YOU DOES.

YOU PLAY GUILT TRIPS & YOU WANT PITY.

ITS ANNOYING. EVERYTHING I SAY YOU WANNA COMPETE WITH.

EVERYTHING HAS TO BE SOMETHING SAD NOW.

OKAY IF YOUR DEPREESSSED ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.

SO IS EVERYONE ELSE.

SO STOP WITH THE FUCKIN SAD BULLSHIT & GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

ITS LIFE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT.

YOUR NOT ALONE.

YOUR MAKING YOURSELF FEEL DEPRESSED AND ALONE & I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY THE FUCK YOU DO IT.

I WISH YOU COULD SEE, YOUR BECOMIGN LESS & LESS THE PERSON YOU ONCE WERE.

IDK IF YOUR TRYING TO PUSH PEOPLE AWAY.?

:['

In today’s grueling society, many of us are locked into the idea that we simply can not always get what we want. In most cases, we have no idea where to find the clear-cut path to happiness. Nevertheless, there is one without a doubt. It’s only a matter of time, patience, and a good sense of perseverance that will get the results we desire. New towns bring new opportunities. New people can open the doors to these opportunities. Yet it seems that we are all held so far behind from this path because of everyone elses negativity. It is everywhere and almost uncontrollable. It functions like a contagious virus that leads to depression, then laziness, then eventually nothingness. Negativity only spawns wasted time. It is the only thing that is blinding us from seeing the road to our own euphoria. The idea of going around this seems remarkable. But giving in to it by spreading this dreadful energy will only lead to one’s own demise. I live my life day to day through this philosophy. And I believe it is truly possible to get what you want, no matter how tremendous the prize. As for tomorrow's mystery, it will be only as good as you make it ..
-stephen nubani.

they had so much to live for.
i cant help but cry.
=[

"All around me are familiar facesWorn out places, Worn out facesBright and early for the daily racesGoing nowhere, Going nowhereTheir tears are filling up their glassesNo expression, No expressionHide my head I want to drown my sorrowNo tomorrow, No tomorrow"
-mad world.lastsong on rj's page

"god send"
on andres's page.


♥

“ Sometimes you have to be a high-riding bitch to survive. Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold onto. "Dolores Claireborne, Stephen King

whether we like it or not.

lifee;

And now more deaths have come upon us.

R.i.p Andres, Rj.

I'm glad i got to know you two.

Andres i'll never forget all the texts & how sweet you were.

I DO believe in fate.

The day we met.

Me & Ashley were not plannning to see ray at all.We were out and about with money and fame i think, and for some reason ray kept texting me telling me to meet up with him.

i didn't think it'd actually happen. but "coincidencally ray, rj, and andres were by the mall just like us. They told us they'd pick us up. So we get dropped off at Albertsons. They come and this is the day me and ashley truly meet them.

We went to the lake. How random, on the first night we met. It was all around good vibes. They we're so funny. All i can remember is laughs from that night. Andres told me i'd seen him at a party before, he asked me to dance, and i said he was too short. "blame it on the alcohol" =[. Andres you'd never be too short.

I miss you guys truly.

& you'll forever be in my hearts.

I realized that when i was little i never thought of the things you'd see throughout your life.But thats just it.It's life, you're going to see everything that is has to offer, and what it has in store.You're going to see death's of people you'd NEVER think would leave you, you'll lose friends, and gain friends you'd never think you'd meet,certain things in life will show you what you truly believe in, you'll realize that their probably has only been one friend in your life that you know you can always count on. Your gonna go through countless guys until you find someone for you. Your gonna get your heartbroken. But everyone dies,people change, feelings change, you grow up, everything changes.& THATS LIFE.i'm gonna look at this as inspiration to do m best & to be a better person.If you tell me i cant, im gonna tell you watch me.I hate people that doubt me.I wont let you convince me i wont make it.i will be somebody.& ill do it all for me.

rip also to araceli & stephen.

i didnt know you but im sure your friends, loved ones, and families will miss you all.

Ray; i love you so much, you're such a good person. Im sorry you've lost 6 of your friends.

& two of your bestones at that. You deserve more, and i know you can't see this.

But....keep your head up♥

todaysanewdayy.

Horoscope: September 26th, 2009

"You're used to days that pass as a coherent series of logical events, like a well-lit staircase leading into night. Today will be more like an obstacle course in a jungle. You live from moment to moment. "

perfeect for today.

<3

tonights gonna' be a goood night<3

tonights gonna' be a good night<3

tonights gonna' be a good night<3

Do you?

Do you ever have one of those day's where you think it's going to be so good, and it take's a turn for the worse. & you wish & hope it gets better but it keeps going downhill.
Today, September 24th. was theee worst.
Just got worse & worse as the day went along...
I wanna know what i do to deserve this shit sometimes.
It get's old.
I hate days like these, it feel's like the longest day ever.

i hate today.

cute quote:"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."♥
if only.

quoteee.

"I like things that I like, but I love everything. There's more choice in like. Because even the worse things have things to love in them.. I love things so much I feel I could float away."

people

Ugh; people make me so mad.

They think they can just talk shit all the damn time.

I'm no saint, & i deffinatley take part in shit-talking.

Does that make me a hypacrite? YES!. but so are all you damn bitches.

Especially when you talk shit about people using rumors.

Things you THINK are tru And have NO proof. It disguists me that people have no feelings.

They don't care how you're feeling. They only care about the wealth of their own being.

& thats why karma's a bitch. Im a big believer in karma.

Karma;definition:[n]
Hinduism & Buddhism. The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny.
Fate; destiny.
Informal. A distinctive aura, atmosphere, or feeling: There's bad karma around the house today.

I read this book Ashley let me borrow, "thirteen reason's why". I loved it so much. One of my favorite books i have read so far. Mostly because it's thought's i can relate to, and im sure alot of other people as well. I never thought i could cry in a book.

It gives me hope to know that i HAVE thought these things and in my case i'd nevr have the balls to follow through with it. I guess in a sense that makes me strong.

boys; at the moment. Their are none.

I don't know whether this makes me upset, or happy. i mean it isn't a bad thing to not have someone.

It doesnt mean im less then other girls & less deserving.....does it?

sometimes i need the reassurance. some times i do feel lonely.

& theirs a BIG differnce between lonely & desperate so please don't let me be misunderstood.

turns out. i dont forgive you.

fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice shame on me.

but what happens when you fooled me the third time.

broke me down.

i can't stand it anymore.

the whole trying to find someone thing is not me. im just not made for someone.

♥

horoscopeee.

Taking few risks is not a guarantee that you will have a safe journey through life.

♥

id like to

....i'd like to think.

Saturday was cool. went out. just hung out with friends.

The usual.

Went to barnes & noble today. Ah i LOVE books. i think their amazing.

When i have my own house i want a library lmao like a huge colorful one. It'd be so pretty.

Ugh it bugs me so much that He was the one to say goodbye first.

It's like those movies, where you're planning on breaking up with him & he does it first.

You just wanna yell "NO I WAS GONNA DO IT FIRST"

You may have got the last laugh, but i laugh the loudest.

Trust me.

♥

It wont be the end;

you'll see..

goodbye.

edit.

Daily Singles:
It's easy to get down on yourself if it's been a while since you've met someone who's interested in you or whom you're interested in. There's nothing wrong with you.

"You're just in a romantic slow period."

♥

&&' i think this is the truest "dail single" horoscope i've ever gotten.

Sometimes i do feel like, "what's wrong with me"

This made me gain a little :h o p e.

xoxo.

ahhh...ideeeeekay

so, i'm a little confused on what to do?

Okay, like we're not techniqually "talking"... but we're "talking"

hmm i don't really know if that really makes sense.

hmm something about the absense of his presence makes me sad.

idunno if its that i TRULY like him, or i need someone their to get me through the days?

we talk all the time, and he ALWAYS make's the initiative, but sometimes i get mad and think like where the fuck is she? like why do you need me here..

I'm going to stop responding to him & see how he responds towards me.

i've heard once you pull away, they pull in.

hahaha. funny how it works.

ahhh school's been whatever.

Nocturnal's in

9 dayssssss

heeeeeeeeeeeey♥;

i can't wait.

i bought blue & white boot covers.

i'm saving money to buy white fishnets a blue bow and jewelry for the face. lmao.

its kinda sadddd how all this moneys waisteddd on raving, but it's so worth it.

=]....

but god do i have alottttt of neccessities.

haa.

...i cant give in.

& to you.

& not in that way "my heart will always belong to you"
as in a friend.
i know you understand that though.
you understand everything.
ps. i misss you.
come home.

thats all for today.

xoxo....

taylor.

<3

on the side....

ewww, so the one friend i actually care about has been showing my an ugly annoying side.

and i don't know, it's kinda irritating me.

It's like if we're not speaking now, what makes you think we'll stay friends in the future.?

Um, school, is school.

It's beggining to turn into winter & i HATE it.

i need winter clothes and all that bullshit.

winter's fucking gay. like theirs no way to enjoy it

feels good.

It feels good, to have NO ATTACHMENTS.

To be completely free & on your own.

At first it feels i m p o s s i b l e.

But time flys by & the pain becomes bearable.

I guess it really means something when they say"sleep on it"

I woke up happy. & OVER it.

=]

I dont need anyone to live my life, or to make me happy.

i myself can make me happy, nd' only i can choose the path i want to be on.

happiness; my definition

-always keeping your head up, never letting things get to you.

♥

NOCTURNAL 16 days.

& counting.........

today wassss whatever.

schools LAME.

hahaa.

byeeeee.

<3333

my mind makes quotes.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go;

others, whenever they go. I can't tell if it's when you come or go when I'M happiest"

♥

breakdown

how many times will i be broken down.

i dont want to feel pain anymore.

i cried yesterday.

i just feel ill never be good enough.

ill always be second best

:[.

when will i get my chance.

i dont wanna feel this way.

i feel less than great.

This girl started talking to me today

& she feels the same way.

its easy talking to someone who knows what i mean.

thanks you really helped today girl.

tomorrow. hm. lets hope i feel a little better.

=/

Bit in the ass.

Went in with two, went out with none, & that's the way life works.

Karma's a bitch; i got bit in the ass.

Um friday was funnnn.[=

no complaints.

Saturday; Lost City Of Atlantis.

It was really funn, they had bomb music all night. Alot of my favorite songs.

"heartbreaker MSTRKRFT""Man on the fun DASH BERLIN"

♥

ahhhh it was amazing.

Can't wait for nocturnal.

Um so went upstairs talked to aria, & i was sooo mistaken on my feelings.

how i usually am lol, but he's just NOT what i want in a guy.

What i did realize was kevin was. I just don't like to say anything cuz it's impossible.

& i'm not even gonna say my feelings for someone when i have them for now on , cuz their always wrong maybe if i was secretive they'd be better?

But things with kevin were so good, untill the girl came in the picture. It hurt when i saw him that night, and it sucks i saw him alot....with her. =/ ugh.

I texted him saying i guess were done then.

& hes like "im so so sorry:["

yeah im sorry too, sorry for giving effort, sorry for trying all the time.

I dont know what it is, when your nice, you get NOTHING in return, when your a bitch it works?

idk but through it all i had ashley... thats my girl.

♥ i love you.

Quickie
If you just say something nasty and walk away, the problem isn't really solved.
Overview
Now is a really great time to take care of your health in a positive way. Get organized, track information and walk up an extra flight of stairs -- you have what it takes to make things work better for you.

bYE

No Guarenteeeees

The Crazy thing about life....is it come's with no guarentess.

You aren't guaremteed anything. You have to work for what you want & its not easy.

I'm so determined to have a good life, and make something outta myself.

But it's gonna be so hard.I really wish i could have done better with school.

Moneys really everything. I found out i wanna go to SDSU. San diego state university.

it's like my fream school now, and i'd do anything to get in.

The college life is something i've always dreamed about.

I think im going for criminal justice & psycology. gonna be alot of work.

but "i just wanna be, i just wanna be successfull"-drake.♥

haha.

"She said she wanna have a family, raise kid's someday;

Like out in Beverly Hills, She wanna live someday.♥"

-NAS

Mhm. So yesterday, kevin asks for forgiveness blah blah blah, he miss me & all this.

It sucks like why can't i have someone that's always here.

i NEED that support & this is just not gonna work for me.

& it's crazy to think that what im trying to get outta aria.

But it's crazy when you see it from a different perspective.

Aria's thinking what im thinking with kevin & im thinking what kevins thinking with me for aria

BAHAHA damn confusing.

Aria makes me feel stupid. :[

& i hate it; he just got me, no joke.,

I KNOW. distance fucks everything up.

He always tell me he wished i lived their. & i should move.

But i don't even think he's serious like i would be.

Im so serious when i say im saving a spot for him.

like i wanna try it with him i just feel like something good can come out of it & it it doesnt at least we had something once. i just wantt him.

He's so fucking smart, & different & i love that, it attracts me so much.

♥

DAMMIT IM R E T A R D E D.

=[

fuckkkk;

i should just not think of any boys at all.

im always without one.why should i need one.

welll, it's almost friday hallefuckinlujah lmao.♥

goodbye.

=]

.blast from the past.

So, We're officialy...."done", he kinda made it more difficult for me with guys again.

Like how many times is it gonna be? why is god doing this to me?

i dont u n d e r s t a n d.

MMMM. So Eddie Acosta came back to our school.

Kinda weird. lol it's like he was gonee forreverr & all of the sudden he's back into my life.

It's nice to see him again.

Atlantis, FOUR DAYS.

i really wanna see aria.

suprisingly. wait that's not a surprise.

lmao.

♥

ahh dont have much to say today.

bye.<3

okay i get it.

Mood:Dissapointed.

Currently listening to:Fine Without you; Armin Van Buuren

mmhm. Okay i get it! I'm not good enough.

i never will get it right.

I"M NOT MEANT TO FIND SOMEONE.

So i got used again.

WHAT A WASTE OF TIME.

"thanks for waisting my time"

everytime.

& honestly this time i could care less.

"& this isn't the end, my world won't stop, i'll continue to live, i'll simply just forgive & forget, it's easy when your used to it."

-taylor[me]

so sick of trying & getting knowhere.

trying will get you nowhere.

shit happens by chance by luck.

& you know what i have to say to luck as of right now

FUCK IT.

♥

BYE!

catch my dreams.

Mood: Confused.

Currently listening to:The Longest Road; Morgan Page & Lizzie♥

"If you are so frequently in loveIf you prefer it all to me then my loveYou go down the longest road to nowhereYou pull it apart and you’re just left there"

Quote of the day:"It’s a lot easier to be lost than found. It’s the reason we’re always searching, and rarely discovered - so many locks, not enough keys."

Horoscope:

There's more support out there for you and your quest for love than you would have believed. The trick is to open up when you need help. Your friends and family want to be there for you. Give them the chance.

D R E A M C A T C H E R

i want oneeeeeeee♥

Today; went to dennys in the morning with julie, turned in our appllication from their.

Then went to the mall got an application from build-a-bear, ah i'd love to work their.

=].

i need a job & i hope i get one.

I just can't be layzee. lol.

Mhmm, "him" the him in my life. fuck i always have fuckin "hims" that shit is annoying.

Never the boyfriend.

just a him?

ugh well i guess their is no him.

Long DISTANCE SUCKS ANYWAYS!

never will i try it.

i have too much love in me i try to give & i always get taken advantage of.

AH i'll get it right one day.

♥

just not today.

& the countdown begins for The Lost City Of Atlantis♥

6 days.

cant wait to see my little "santa monica friends"

-faith.

i figured out yesterday that you have to put your faith into something.

Yesterday when we needed it most, i prayed & it got us through what we needed to get through.

If im gonna put my faith in soemthing i'm going to put it in god.

♥

right now lifes good.

not much to complain about.

RIP DJ AM♥

" day's go by & still i think of you"

accomplised

Mood:Accomplished.

Currently listening to:Never Say Never Armin Van Buuren♥

today, today was good.

Nothing bad happened, i was in a good mood all day.

Started WAY thinking about my life today.

Made a to do list which consists of

• research colleges
• join clubs at school
• see when the sat's start
• apply for jobs/ look for applications
• get organized
• decide what i want to do
• get transcripts for credit retrieval "d makeups"

Got one for dennys lol exciting the rest i need to see online.

but just got out of the homework got some stuff done, did my homework, and all that lame ass stuff, tomorrow gotta go to key club lmao.♥ me & julie decided to do it. community service lmao...

hooscope;so true

Relationships are simultaneously the most enduring and the most fragile thing in everyone's life. During the first half of the week, you get the chance to work on the most important relationship in your life: The one with yourself. All the rest are mirrors of your inner reality. During the last half of the week, focus on exploration and setting new boundaries for you and your companions. What once worked for you was useful for that time, but now it's the dawn of a new era. The weekend helps you see what limits you should put in place.

NOW, waiting for --Y O U......babe?

♥

HeadOverHeels.♥;

"Life, i really believe, is about falling in love. With ideas, with stories, with experiences, mistakes, adventures, poetry, imaginations, old books, new books, movies, music, and, of course, people. Everything that is worthwhile in this world is worth falling in love with, and I can’t imagine a better way to live one’s life than to be always head over heels."

♥

hey boy.

"When you’re young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don’t leap at all because there’s not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there’s no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?"

Today, just an ordinary day... one step closer to the weekend.

I guess that's all i look forward to now.

Tomorrow i NEED to do all my hw.

& i NEED to start reasearching for school's & stop being so lazy

GET JOB APPLICATIONS.

BE PRODUCTIVE!

fuck.

10days.♥

"You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking how you’ll escape one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present."

P L E A S E.

<3

you.

The power that was taken away from you is starting to come back now, and you're actually stronger than ever. You've taken a few hits over the years, but you know there's no permanent damage -- in fact, what didn't kill you made you stronger.

[♥]

you.....

are amazing.

more than i ever imagined.

this is getting outta control.

why?

i dont know why i do it, when i tell myself.

It's not like i cant be happy, or have fun without it.

i just don't know.

& another one.

wow, taylor, you sure use that head of yours.

=/.

i don't know.

this time, it's for sure.

Bye.

♥

stupid, stupidddd, STUPID!

god, i'm SO stupid.

Alcohol is nothing but trouble for me.

i just need to stop.

i always hate myself after.

i say stuff i normally wouldn't.

i take things way too far.

& i'm just a STUPID stuppiiid stupid person with it.

it's a no for me now.

hoenstly. i need to think about after.

FUCK MY LIFE.

but anyways.

it's so funny.

now i know @ashleyhotpocket [haha twitter terms] reads my blog.

& i read hers.

HAHA hi ashley!!!

=D.

i'm glad you read this, it's sometimes things i wouldnt normally tell you.

not like that, but it's a easier way of telling my secrets.

orr iddddk.

im trippen.

NE WAYS.

kosmic today, should be good.

im excited.

=].

lets see what the night has in store for me.

goodbye.

i w o n d e r --♥;

Friday, August 21, 2009
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You may need to answer to your friends today as they criticize your faulty logic. Your first reaction is to stop the conversation along with their negative judgments by hanging up the phone, leaving the room or not answering the email. But you can learn an important lesson if you are willing to hear the truth. Stick with it even if it feels awkward, for the outcome may surprise you in a positive way.

friday; it feel's like it's going to be a good day.

i wish i had confidence..

♥.

change

change?

It seriously happens all the time, even when you don't realize.

Its true.

Day by day, it seem's nothing's changed, but when you look back everything's different.

change, is inevitable.

It's bound to happen, sometimes for the good, sometimes the bad.

Despite the bad change, change usually is for the better.

Changing is a process.

I think change is the only thing i can count on.

♥

"Good gracious, every process has a genesis and ends with a revelationGod bless this opportunity for me to find a voiceFor some words that have waited for way too longLow wages, Small tips on the avenueHaven't you heard the news lately?Seems we've been living for sometimes in a purgatoryBut yo, I thought I knew what a love song sound likeBut I felt a warmer tune in the sunlightI could still hear it in the room past midnightGotta move, take a solo cruise in the moon lightSometimes I do forget, Oh how much we could ease the lives we leadIf we learn to let go, the reins that we holdReturn to our souls, and the spirit let flowSo you see, upon everyday faces there's a million shades toExpress definition of graceBut the method I choose me perrogativeThere's so much love in me I got to give."

-n u j a b e s-

[♥]

i wan't to find a deeper meaning to living.

i know i can live so much more, & appreciate more.

Give me something amazing.

i think i deserve it.

but then again, who am i to say what i deserve or not.?

"just because i'm losing, doesn't mean im lost."

ohlittlegirl.

suchbigthoughts.

<3